Looking down on you

 

Photo by Yan Krukov (Pexels)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do you need others to have a good time? To enjoy work? Or can you decide for yourself?

 

In my last post ‘Living the Dream’ (or How does a person react to change?) I wrote about how our language and behaviours are indicators of how often we may well change our behaviour, in a given context[1]. This all led on from a conversation I had with a friend.  The theory or fact is that our language and behaviours give away huge clues (to those who are aware of this fact), clues on how we will behave and what we will say in a particular situation.  

However, we are all complex individuals and it isn’t just the language and behaviours indicators around the Decision Factors[2], which shows are they motivated to change through searching for ‘difference’ or ‘sameness’. Being complex human beings other factors come into play and we may change or appear to change as we progress in our living abroad (or anywhere else or in any other context for that matter).

But what really keeps them here or there - Living the dream?

 One of the common statements people make in respect of living abroad is - it’s about ‘Quality of Life’. In order to understand someone better and the motivations and permissions they give themselves it’s useful to understand where a person’s motivation comes from - some people are highly internally motivated. That means we gather information from outside, have a good think about it, weigh the pros and cons and decide for ourselves. This pattern, or way of making a decision is what the Language and Behaviour (LAB Profile®) Profile® calls or categorises as ‘Source’. In other words ‘where does the source of their motivation come from?’ Are individuals motivated by what other people think (external motivation) or do they use their own internally held standards and decide for themselves about whether they want to do something or not. People with external motivation need praise, to be in with a crowd that makes them feel good or part of something that is ‘like-minded’ (the problem with that is that at times it can just be alcohol that makes them feel good and later when everyone is sober, the knives can come out, so to speak).

Here’s an example:

I have decided for myself I want to go on a trip. I read about this trip online. It’s on a day I can go and apart from leaving early in the morning, its fine for me (I’ve noticed trips over here tend to leave very early or in the middle of night and I mean something like 11:45 pm or 01:00 hours!). We have breakfast on the way and are responsible for our own lunch later in the day. I know where the pick-up point is and having hired a car this winter I know I can get there on time and park easily because the pick-up time is early.

I didn’t ask anyone else if they wanted to go (well apart from my husband but that was just in case. He said no. He struggles with walking now). I didn’t need someone else to go with me, it’s easier at times to make your own decisions on where to eat, where to go, what to look at. I find at times other people are indecisive or unwilling to say what they really want and they can at times be hoping that something better might come along.

 

What does the above tell you about the decision above?  Below some of the words I used -

‘I decided’

‘I read about it’

‘It’s on a day I can go’

‘I know where the pick-up point is’

‘I know I can get there on time’

‘I didn’t ask anyone else’

‘I didn’t need someone else to go with me’

‘I find at times’[3]

 

That’s a whole lot of ‘I’ in the above, isn’t there? In the context of this decision it tells you a person has a standard somewhere inside of them in order to do what they have in mind. That they have gathered external information and measured it against their internally held standard.

Beware if you have someone or are someone as a manager with this pattern predominately it can happen that not enough information is given to staff.

There will be others on this trip who are there because:

‘someone else asked them if they wanted to go’

‘they need other people to perhaps make a decision’

‘or need to be with other people’

‘they perhaps ‘couldn’t go alone’

they maybe ’don’t want to be see on their own’,

‘maybe their partner decided for them’.

They have an External pattern, they need to have other people’s opinions, need to be given instructions and feedback from another source (i.e. not themselves) to stay motivated. Where work is concerned if you don’t give them feedback, they won’t know how well they are doing.

They are motivated when someone else decides. That is for example by a restaurant or film review. In another, hot, country they need the convivial feedback of others having a good time and they perceive this in being with them. Starting or continuing to do something is difficult for them with no feedback from others. People with this pattern in a given context don’t have their own internal standards to use to make a decision.  If people start not to like them or to disagree with them they will become unhappy and cause a fuss, or they might just leave. They do something when someone else decides.

I once joined a Reading Group full of very ‘Internal’ people (I didn’t know that at the time) in the hope that I might meet some intelligent company for good conversation outside of the group. They were so ‘Internal’ that other people were rarely welcomed or introduced and at times some would give a book a bad review because they didn’t like the person whose choice it was. They also refused to understand if a person said ‘I couldn’t read that book because it reminded me of something I experienced’.  Then that was okay for that person. By the group in general that person was regarded as ‘not wanting to be a part of the group’ or ‘not wanting to stretch themselves with reading’.

When I was much younger I had a boss who never gave his staff feedback. In fact sarcasm was his best talent (at that time). As an employee I needed to be (and was) externally referenced (External) in order for him to give me instructions and for me to follow them. I managed to get the number of days for outstanding debts (Debtor Days) to an unheard of low number for the company, never mind the industry we were in. One day I said to him ‘you know X recognition from you would be good, even a pat on the head.’ I had omitted to pay attention to the fact that he was stood on the stairs at the time and I was at the bottom of the stairs. He leaned over and patted me on the head, ‘Happy?’ he asked, grinned and turned and walked up the stairs.

In essence as I stand back and watch people either in bars and restaurants, or on Facebook (a vital means of communication here in this part of Turkiye[4], I kid you not lest you should be reading this in another country) by what they post, how they react to other people’s posts or by blog posts. I can almost without exception discover which patterns people are using. I keep my mind open when I meet them because they might react differently in a different context.

If you want to motivate another person to do something. Ask them ‘How do you know when you have done (insert the particular something) well. Listen for their answer then to motivate them, use some of these words below:

Internal - only you can decide; you might consider; it’s up to you; I suggest you think about; try it out and decide what you think; here’s some information so you can decide; what do you think?; for all the information you need to decide, just call . . .

External - you’ll get good feedback; others will notice; it has been approved by; well-respected; you will make quite an impact; so-and-so thinks; I would strongly recommend; the experts say; give references; scientific studies show

I have also added an article I published in 2019 (with thanks to Shelle Rose Charvet) in respect of people using the Internal pattern and its often safest to assume that people run that most of the time. The article gives you a little more information on phrases to use.

Words that Open Minds, Words that Close Minds.

Some people don’t like to be told what to do. They want to decide for themselves. Depending on how you say and do something (or don’t say and do it), your ideas will be considered or immediately dismissed by them. When people are in this mode, they are have an Internal Motivation Pattern.

When people are in Internal Mode, they like gather information and evaluate it for themselves and hate having someone decide for them. In fact, they love to make their own decisions, based on what is important to them.

So here are the Top Ten Things to Avoid Saying to an Internal
Words That Close Minds
1. You should …… (almost guarantees they won’t)
2. I need to talk to you. (especially unhelpful to say to your partner in life)
3. I have the solution to your problem.
4. I know what you did wrong.
5. I know why that won’t work.
6. I told you so.
7. I have a better idea.
8. You should have an open mind about this.
9. Here’s what everyone thinks about what you did/do/will do.
10. No one is doing that any more.

Top Ten Suggested Things to Say to an Internal
Words That Open Minds
1. I have an idea that I’d like to run by you to find out what you think.
2. May I make a suggestion?
3. What would you think if we ……?
4. When you are deciding about X, what are the most important things?
5. I have an idea that may not be completely useless.
6. Here’s what I think….. what is your opinion?
7. You said that X, Y, and Z were important, so that’s why I’d like to suggest ….
8. Here is something that you may wish to consider.
9. Here is something that you may wish to avoid.
10. You be the judge.

The first list is mainly about deciding for the other, while the second encourages the other person judge for his/herself.

 

If you would like to comment or ask a question you are welcome to contact me via the blog or LinkedIn or Twitter.

 

More info on Shelle and Words that Change Minds here

 

---

[1] That means we might think people are hard to understand but what is actually happening, is I might avoid problems when ding one thing and throw all caution to the wind in another.

[2] As in Living the Dream.  How a person reacts to change and what frequency and kind of change is needed.

[3] I don’t always make decisions this way but over time I’ve discovered it’s easier for me to do it this way and particularly since my husband no longer wants wild travelling (his words)/

 

[4] The international spelling has been changed to Turkiye at the request of the President as of 1^st January 2022.