It’s Not Fair
Last Wednesday 27th May. We over 65s in Dalyan and also in the whole of Turkey were told ‘you’re not going out, yet’. There was needless to say an outcry, I don’t know if Turks objected, but I’m pretty sure they did.
However locally the Book of Face, which
is our only fairly reliable source of information both locally and nationally here,
erupted in various places. On one local site the comment was actually made ‘It’s
not fair, my Turkish partner is now allowed out because he has a business, I
am not.' Yes, exceptions were made because many elderly Turks have no pension.
Years ago when they worked in agriculture there was no opportunity to pay into
a pension. Many Turks have been existing on no money. The state does not provide.
Yes food parcels have been delivered to those who are struggling and there is a
national fund. But there are millions of people in Turkey and many of them with
no income. The country like countries globally needs to allow people to work.
Foreign residents have been complaining because such and such people don’t wear masks, such and such don’t believe there is a virus, I don’t believe there is a virus etc. etc. The point was made that us foreign residents are here because we choose to be, we mostly have a state pension (there are a few younger exceptions). That state pension makes us better off than most Turkish people in the area we live in and many of us own our own properties. We don’t have to pay rent.
It is true that not all foreign residents may have a garden or a pool, because in normal circumstances you might not want that. But some of us chose to forget that those people who have been doing our shopping have been self-isolating in order to help us. That parents, particularly mothers of children under the age of 20, until last week when the age dropped to 18, have also not been able to get out, apart from a few hours a week, on a different day to us.
It’s Not Fair
Debbie’s best friend in
the whole wide world was Michael. He
wasn’t a boy friend, he was a best friend. Debbie really liked Michael (some of
the time) he was good fun. Lately
Michael was very grumpy and sometimes he would get angry and mutter ‘it’s not
fair’, lashing out with his arms, kicking the wall and just getting really
cross.
Debbie didn’t understand what had happened, was it her? Had she done something? She was beginning to get upset. Then she remembered one day last year when she’d been angry she had been sent to Miss Machin’s office. She didn’t want to think about why, but she remembered Miss Machin had taught her something that she remembered to use when she couldn’t understand someone else.
Miss Machin asked,
‘What happened for you to be sent to me?’
Debbie had explained and Miss Machin asked, ‘so which chair would you
like to sit in? Or would you like to stand as this happened in the
playground?’ Debbie thought this was a
bit odd and just stared. Miss Machin
stood up from her chair and stood to one side and just repeated in a very kind
tone ‘so which chair would you like to sit in? Or would you like to stand as this
happened in the playground?’ and she
added ‘tell me about what happened when you were in the playground, What was it
like for you, Debbie? What were you seeing, what were you hearing and how were
you feeling?’ So Debbie explained. Miss Machin listened and said nothing.
When Debbie had finished Miss Machin asked ‘anything else?’ Debbie shook her head.
‘So Debbie what’s in
your packed lunch today?’ Debbie looked
surprised and told Miss Machin. ‘Yum,’
said Miss Machin and asked Debbie to move to the place in the room where the
person in the playground she had been talking about had been stood. Debbie did this.
This was
interesting. ‘So Debbie, as X (we can’t
say who it was here) was seeing you and hearing what you were saying, what were
they doing? How were they standing? What was it like for X to see and hear you
and how did they feel?’ Can you imagine that?
Slowly Debbie realised
she could imagine what it was like. Miss
Machin however swiftly asked ‘where did you buy those boots from? I really like them do they do them in my
size?’ Debbie answered.
‘Now’ said Miss Machin
‘move to another place in the pretend playground where you can see Debbie and
X, and as a kind of ‘fly on the wall’, ‘as another child perhaps a little older
than you who was watching Debbie and X.’ When she got to the other place Miss
Machin asked her ‘as that other person what do you notice about Debbie and
X?’ Miss Machin said, ‘okay take that
information from the ‘fly on the wall’ back to you Debbie where Debbie was standing.’
When Debbie got back to that place Miss Machin asked ‘so what would you do
differently next time?’ Debbie told Miss
Machin and there had been no bother since, because she realised she had made
things worse and she knew how to do things differently next time or in the
worst case that she could apologise if she behaved badly.
So Debbie went to
Michael and said ‘what makes you grumpy?’
‘I’m not grumpy with you,’ Michael replied, ‘I’m just upset.’ Debbie
started to ask ‘wh...’, then she remembered one of the things that Birko’s
Granny said and instead Debbie asked, ‘how do you get upset and make yourself
grumpy?’
‘I don’t want to say,’
said Michael with a sigh and looked down.
‘It’s just not fair.’ ‘What’s not
fair?’ asked Debbie and touched Michael’s arm, ‘come on we’re mates, tell me.’
After a short while
Michael looked at Debbie with a very glum face, ‘I don’t want to talk about
it,’ then he looked down again and scuffed the toe of his shoe on the
ground. Debbie waited (she remembered
once Birko had said his Granny had said you need to give people time when they
are looking down – they have to think all the way down to their toes and back
up again). Then after what seemed like
ages (to Debbie), Michael looked up at Debbie, ‘it’s my Dad, you know my Dad
lives with someone else. Well he says he
won’t take me to boxing. It’s not fair.
I think it’s cos of those other kids that she’s got.’
Debbie had no idea what
to do or say, her Mum and Dad were fine they argued sometimes but they were
fine, they also talked a lot and discussed things and made up. Debbie didn’t know what you did when your mum
or dad left home. Then she said,
‘Michael I’ve been thinking about something Miss Machin did with me, it might
help you understand your Dad better. Can I do it with you? Please.’
‘Okay, go on then,’ sighed Michael.she was after all his very best friend in the world and he was fed up.
Debbie said to Michael
Stand or sit as you
would when you were talking to your Dad about boxing and look at your Dad –
tell me where you’re pretending he is.
Michael pointed
What was it like for you, Michael? What were you seeing, what were you hearing and how were you feeling?’ So Michael explained. Debbie listened and said nothing. She just asked ‘is there anything else?’
Then she asked ‘what’s in your packed lunch today?’ And Michael told her, ‘err yuck,’ said Debbie.
Then Debbie asked Michael to move to where he was pretending his Dad was standing and pretend to be his Dad and look at Michael over there. ‘So Michael, as Michael’s Dad was seeing you and hearing what you were saying, what was Michael’s Dad doing? How was Michael’s Dad standing? What was it like for Michael’s Dad to see and hear you and how did he feel?’ Can you imagine that? And when you’ve noticed all that is there anything else?’ Michael said ‘oh that Michael over there he’s an angry boy he’s not listening.’ (Debbie said nothing)
‘Okay,’ said Debbie ‘are you playing football tonight after school?’ Michael shook his head.
Debbie then asked Michael to move to a place where he could see the pretend Michael and Michael’s Dad, that’s like a ‘fly on the wall’ or someone else passing the playground and noticing Michael and his Dad and she asked him, ‘so when you look at that Michael and Michael’s Dad, what do you notice?’
Michael
Other person passing the playground
She gave him some time, and then asked him to take what he’d noticed back to that pretend Michael and give him what he had learned and she said ‘so would you do anything differently?’ And she held her breath and Michael said ‘It’s not fair.’ Debbie held her breath and said nothing.
Michael continued. ‘It’s not fair on my Dad, he was telling me I wasn’t old enough to go to boxing and to wait until I get to the High School and then he’ll take me and I wasn’t listening. I need to tell him I’m sorry.’
And
later Michael did just that.
You could try this out with one of your friends –
To Stand in Someone Else’s Shoes
Ask the person you working with to look at the other person (to pretend they are there) and
Ask them to ‘What was it like for you? What were you seeing, what were you hearing and how were you feeling?’ And when you’ve noticed all that is there anything else?
Then ask ‘what’s in your packed lunch today? or ‘What did you have for breakfast?’
Then ask the person you are working with to
move to where you are pretending the other person is standing and pretend to be the other person and look at your imaginary self.
Ask - as that other person was seeing you and hearing what you were saying, what was that other person doing? How was that other person standing? What was it like for that other person to see and hear you and how did they feel?’ Can you imagine that? And when you’ve noticed all that is there anything else?’
Then ask ‘are you playing football tonight after school?’ or something similar
Next ask the person you working with to
move to a place where you can see your pretend self and the other person, so like a ‘fly on the wall’ or someone else passing by or watching
and ask the person you are working with
‘so when you look at your pretend self and the other person, what do you notice?’
Then give the person you are working with some time and ask them to take what they’ve noticed back to their pretend self and to give them what they’ve learned and then ask
‘so would you do anything differently?’
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Thank very much for your comment, I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Rosie