Detox Time – When you say nothing at all

 

I’m having a Facebook free weekend, so far I’ve managed nine (9) hours and counting.

 

I used to have an iPhone. I don’t now for several reasons that are not relevant here. On that phone I could see how much time I had spent on screen and what I had been doing, Scary on the one hand and a little salutary on the other.  There might well be a setting on my Android but I haven’t looked for it.

 

Anyway this is about this particular weekend it’s the third weekend in February 2021 and we are still in Turkey, therefore it’s a lockdown weekend. That should mean the whole country of Turkey that’s nearing 85 million people should be staying at home. With the exception of those who need to work which in a rural area such as where we are has different interpretations. Hey ho. It is possible to have food and meals delivered and on Saturdays delivery companies are still providing you with the online orders you placed earlier in the week.

 

Due to the weekend lockdowns that have been in force since December last year, plus a curfew for under 20s and over 65s whereby those age groups are only allowed out of the house three hours per day (at different times for each age group). Although under 20s are allowed to be out with their parents or guardians and there are some loose interpretations there I note.

 

As a result of all this many of us are rapidly (because last year those of us in those age groups had 11 weeks total lockdown) being driven up the wall or driving ourselves, or one another up the wall. Depends on which way you look at it.

 

We are spending too much time online. I think my iPhone app would glow red and shout at me if I still had it!

 

We are also really getting upset about things that weren’t meant to be interpreted the way we received them and at times upsetting others without knowing it.

 

1.       In the last 10 days I have inadvertently upset someone because I unknowingly (or rather I clearly wasn’t paying attention) clicked on the laughing icon for a post that was a sensitive issue for someone.  I was mortified a) when that person outed me on Facebook as being callous and b) because I had done it and not paid attention.

 

2.       I have inadvertently been involved in a private joke that I didn’t understand was a private joke, because someone I know personally posted something and I called his comment sexist. He very politely and in a friendly way pointed out it was really a joke between him, his girlfriend and her daughter.  This has happened with this person before.

 

3.       Yesterday a similar thing happened, I replied, flippantly, to a comment the younger woman I know very well) had made on something (I really didn’t understand why she had a problem). The younger woman ignored me but someone I know here became really upset about what the younger woman had said and spent a great deal of time and effort explaining the error. Problem was from the younger woman’s point of view that this older woman really wasn’t answering the younger woman’s question just telling her the error of her ways with facts and figures.  I did suggest to the younger woman she leave it, but she didn’t. This exchange went on for a while until I pointed out to this older woman that the younger woman was related to me.  I then had a private message from the upset older woman.

 

There is a great deal of this happening on Facebook. It possibly often does happen in pre COVD times but for me it’s more enhanced now due to the situation we are in with COVID, with lockdowns with all kinds of worries.

 

Before I come to my personal solution for the above and also some ways of understanding how and why this happens, one note.

 

I often see how a person makes a post and then as the comments on the post continue further it turns into something else because someone hijacks it (I have two old school friends from infant school days whom I found recently. They will often have a private conversation on some of personal posts. They remind me of Statler and Waldorf from the Muppets).

 

My point is we need to be careful. We need to step back from the screen, not receive alerts every time someone posts somewhere (I never have done for Facebook apart from when I had Facebook pages).  Turn the alerts off. Do something else.  If you have a family spend time with them, look at Facebook, once or twice per day.  Okay of you need to find out if everyone else’s water is off (as I did last Tuesday) locally then maybe go, post in the correct place and wait for an answer or find the phone number and phone (I didn’t have the number then and I couldn’t find it).

 

But is there really a necessity to comment on everybody’s post, especially if we don’t read what has been said before or even what the post is actually about. That is often the case I notice. Your friend comments and you comment on what your friend has said or you comment because you personally don’t like what has been said, or you think you have an opinion. It is really a good idea and very useful for your health and wellbeing to read the whole post and if you can’t be bothered. Then don’t bother to post. After all as Thumper of Walt Disney’s Bambi said ‘If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all’.

 

How did I deal with my mistakes?

 

Sorry might be the hardest word to say but it’s important.

1.       Due to all the lockdowns this person and I haven’t met in person, yet, but we have messaged about various things. I sent her a pm, private message, in which I said I was mortified at what I had done and that I really didn’t mean to do it and know from her posts what a serious subject this is for her and it was a mistake or ‘fat fingers’. I also changed the icon I had put there. I added that I was horrified that she had outed me on the post on Facebook. She accepted my apology and removed her comment outing me. All good there and we have had a few conversations since, about a burst pipe locally and who to call in future and about pancakes (Turkish pancakes). 

 

Private jokes

2.       Well, don’t get involved, more importantly if you are posting them, then please tag the people involved or exclude all others (it can be done) or don’t even post them.  I’ve now unfollowed this person, because really what he posts isn’t interesting to me. He asked to be my FB ‘friend’ I do know him in person. I often won’t accept friend requests from people  I don’t know or haven’t met as I don’t want them to see what I post and don’t want to put up with what they post. A former client of mine told me recently they had come of Facebook because it was becoming too toxic for them.

 

People taking things the wrong way and then proceeding to lecture you.

3.       Ah well this brings me to a little about the LAB Profile[1]® I know this person pretty well, I know them in person and I see what they post online. (What you post online, shows me or anyone else versed in the LAB Profile what you are like as a person. It’s very interesting)

 

This person likes facts and figures, likes to follow the rules, gets annoyed when others don’t follow the rules and they will tell you or them. They struggle to follow nuance in language and are not good at taking a step back and looking at the big picture. Several LAB Profile® patterns come into play here (you do know that we are ALL very complex individuals, don’t you?)

 

This person is in LAB Profile® terms Specific and thus handles the details better. But at times they have difficulty zooming out and seeing the overview. They treat information in sequences, step by step, in all its detail. They may see the trees, branches and twigs, rather than the forest. This can lead them to having difficulty prioritizing, which means they can get stuck, unless you get them back to the beginning and get them to zoom out. On the other hand they are excellent at logistics or anything where attention to detail is critical.

Zooming out from online stuff is really important. Those of us with varifocal or bifocal glasses have an advantage there, we often need to hold what we are reading further away.

 

Another pattern this person has, is a common one for most of the population. Their Rule Structure that’s how they and most of us stay sane -we have ‘rules’ for ourselves and ‘rules’ for other people. They know what to do themselves and they know how to tell you how to do whatever it is.  Problems arise when they get stuck in facts and figures and forget there is a person they are dealing with and this person is dealing with an emotional feelings issue (wasn’t a personal matter I add here).

 

A third pattern coming into play here was Thing. The older woman’s concentration was on facts and figures. ‘Statistics show…..’ was quoted. Whereas the other person was more interested in and concentrating on the Person aspect. Focussed on people, relationships and the experience. Feelings were taking importance here, nothing else happened.

 

When I received the message from this older woman (and she wasn’t going to let it go and by this time it’s getting later in the day).  I knew she was upset by what had happened, might not have seemed like it to someone else, but she was upset.

 

Human beings cannot be emotional and logical at the same time.

If they are upset, you need to deal with the emotions first and then the problem.

And then you will influence and motivate them.

 

Knowing she is Thing – I replied ‘I value you as a friend here and I value your opinion and I would like to keep it that way. There are too many interpretations and opinions around on Facebook, too many facts and figures[2]’. And it’s getting towards my bed time. Is it okay to leave it there?

 

She did reply that she still didn’t understand the interaction between the younger woman and myself. I asked if it was okay to leave it there and she said yes. Sometime, maybe we can have a face to face conversation, because I suspect she might carry that around for a while. 

 

I’m having a Facebook detox and enjoying time doing other things this weekend.

 

 

 

---

[1] The LAB Profile® (Language and Behaviour Profile) developed by Shelle Rose Charvet. Communication is what the other person understood.  The LAB Profile® gives you a way to understand other people and their motivations and how these motivations might or most probably will be different from our motivations. As such you probably would be advised to use different language to get them on your side. Different that is to the language you use to motivate yourself. Only you will know if that works. Unless someone you trust implicitly advised you.

 

 

[2] (And that’s not where the younger woman is coming from but I didn’t mention that, trust me Facebook Messenger is not the place to do it.)